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Thursday, September 19, 2013

Holding hands



- Rabinovich, I take off my hat to you! You and Sarah have been married for 30 years, but you always hold hands when I see you walking around the town.
- Well, if I lose my hold, she will surely buy something.

Friday, August 16, 2013

Is the fish fresh?



Old Jewish lady at the fish market.
- Is the fish fresh?
- Sure. Don't you see that it’s alive?!
- I’m alive too. So what?

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

The way back




- Rabinovich, you know that we move towards communism. Why do you need so much money?
- What about the way back?

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Jewish Little Red Riding Hood




Jewish mother prepares the basket with cookies for Jewish Little Red Riding Hood and gives her the following instructions:
- When you come to granny, she will start complaining that the winter is just around the corner, the wind strikes through the cracks, the tap is leaking, there is a hole in the roof, there is no wood to burn in grade, she has no money at all… and so on and so forth. But you don’t listen to her and stick to your story: cookies with chocolate - $2, without chocolate – $1.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Just the opposite


Darling! – Wife grumbles, - I noticed that whenever you see a pretty woman, you forget that you are married!
Just the opposite, - Husband sighs, - Just the opposite.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Fisherman's dilemma


A fisherman complains to his friend:
- Bloody neighbor! When I go fishing, he goes to my wife. When I stay at home, he checks my fishnets.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Silver spoons


Rabinovich instructs his wife before the party:
- Don’t lay silver spoons on the table!
- Do you think the guests can steal them?
- No, I’m afraid they can recognize them!

Thursday, June 2, 2011

The beauty of a debt is its payment


Two Jews are going along the dark alley. Suddenly robbers jump out of the corner and demand money. Nowhere to go... Jews take out their purses and one says to another:
- Moshe, do you remember that I owed you 200 dollars? So, I give them back before witnesses.

Monday, January 3, 2011

F*ck off!


A fisherman is sitting on a river bank. Suddenly he hears somebody shout ‘F*ck off!’ in a distance.
Ten minutes later he hears the same shout ‘F*ck off!!!!!’, but a bit closer. The fisherman shrugs his shoulders having no idea of what’s going on.
Another ten minutes later when he has already forgotten about strange shout, he sees a boat with a man rowing up the river… with spoons. So the fisherman wondered:
- Hey, man! Why are you rowing with spoons? Take the oars!
- F*ck off!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Chocolate


Jewish grandson asked his Jewish grandpa to buy him a chocolate. So next time when grandpa visited his grandson, the latter asked:
- Grandpa, where is my chocolate?
Grandpa thought for a second and answered:
- Sorry grandson, there were no chocolates in the shop, only lollipops.
Next time the situation repeated. Finally, when grandpa once again answered that there were only lollipops in the shop, grandson said:
- Ok. Buy me a lollipop then.
Grandpa thought for a second and said:
- Remember, grandson, while your grandpa is still alive, you will eat only chocolates.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

We are not deer!


A group of hunters meet an old hunter in the forest. They know that he is almost blind, so they start shouting:
- We are not deer! We are not deer!
The old hunter notices the hunters, takes aim at them and mumbles:
- Shut up, deer!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Before drinking


- Vodka influences us even before drinking! For example, I've just bought a bottle of vodka and haven't opened it yet, but I'm already in a good mood!
- In fact, I'm going to give up drinking because my hands are shaking...
- That's what I am talking about! You have only started thinking of it, but your body already protests against it.

Monday, November 16, 2009

The first in the line


Doctor's round in the morning.
In the first ward.
Doctor: What's his diagnosis?
Nurse: Hemorrhoids.
Doctor: How do you treat this case of hemorrhoids?
Nurse: We paint his anus with iodine.
Doctor: Complaints?
Patient: No.
In the second ward.
Doctor: What's his diagnosis?
Nurse: Hemorrhoids.
Doctor: How do you treat this case of hemorrhoids?
Nurse: We paint his anus with iodine.
Doctor: Complaints?
Patient: No.
In the third ward.
Doctor: What's his diagnosis?
Nurse: Sore throat.
Doctor: How do you treat this case of sore throat?
Nurse: We paint his throat with iodine.
Doctor: Complaints?
Patient: Yes, can I be the first in the line for the iodine treatment?

Friday, November 13, 2009

Don't sell bread to little Jewish boys


Odessa. An ordinary Jewish family. Little son returns from the shop without bread and with tears in his eyes, saying that owner of the shop told him that they "don't sell bread to little Jewish boys".
Of course, the father gets mad and rushes into the shop, shouting:
- Why haven’t you sold bread to my son?! This is Antisemitism!!
An old Jew, the owner of the shop, raises his eyebrows and says:
- What's with all the noise? Have you tasted this yesterday's bread?!!!

Friday, March 20, 2009

Russian panacea


Doctor: This medicine is from insomnia, this one is from nervous break-down, and also take this one from depression.
Patient: Thank you very much, doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides vodka?