Now wonder!

One friend to another:
- Can you imagine? Yesterday I come home, open the wardrobe and see a naked man...
- Now wonder! All men sooner or later...
- But, I am not married!

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Driving in a heavy mist

Heavy mist. A woman drives a car watching at the fender lights of the car in front of her. The front car suddenly stops and, of course, the woman bumps into it. She gets out of the cart and runs to the driver of the front car:
- Why the hell you stop so suddenly?!
- Sorry, but I just drove into my garage...

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Fahrenheit or centigrade?

Sergeant-major explains to soldiers:
- The maximal angle of raising a tank gun is 30 degrees.
One of the soldiers asks:
- What kind of degrees, sir? Fahrenheit or centigrade?
Sergeant-major is thinking for a while and replies:
- Fahrenheit!
Soldiers laugh. Sergeant-major smiles too:
- It was a joke. Of course, centigrade.

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Gynecologist and Pathologist

After a long hard working day Gynecologist and Pathologist go out of the hospital, look at the street and say:
Pathologist: People, alive people...
Gynecologist: And faces... faces!

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Love is…

Englishman has a wife and a lover, but loves the wife. Frenchman has a wife and a lover, but loves the lover. Jew has a wife and a lover, but loves his mother. Russian has a wife and a lover, but loves vodka.

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New Russian in paradise

New Russian dies and appears in front of the gates to paradise. Here Apostle Peter meets him:
- Well, well... Hello Mr. Ivanov... (looks at the notebook) So, you had a villa at Hawaii and another villa at Canaries, did you?
- Yes.
- Apartments in London, New York and Paris?
- Yes.
- Rolls Roys, Bentley, two Ferrari?
- Yes, I had all of this and paid taxes regularly. Are there any problems? May I come in?
- No problem. Sure, you may come in, but... I'm afraid you won't like it here...

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A bad suit

A client is complaining to the tailor that he made a bad suit.
Tailor: Well, what do you think about our mayor?
Client: He is the worst mayor our city ever had!
Tailor: Well, what do you think about our government?
Client: It is the worst government in the world!
Tailor: Well, then why did you start from the suite I made?

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Sell the elephant

Two men meet.
- How are you?
- Great! Bought an elephant: kids are excited, wife adores the elephant - it waters the flowers, lifts beam to the roof, cleans the well...
- Wow... Could you sell it to me?
- No, it is already like a family member
- Please...
- Well, ok.
In a month two men meet again.
- So, how is the elephant?
- Disaster! All flowers are trampled down, the roof is broken, crap in the well. All the house is in its shit, wife and kids are afraid to go outside...
- Well, with such an attitude you will not sell the elephant!

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Harmless dog

A mailman sees a big dog in the yard and hesitates to come in.
The owner of the dog says:
- Don't worry, it is castrated!
- Well, good... However, I was afraid it could bite me...

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The tunnel beneath English Channel

Great Britain and France hold the tender for digging the tunnel beneath English Channel.
Americans:
- We will dig the tunnel from 2 sides within 2 years and guarantee the joint accuracy of 15 meters.
Japanese:
- We will dig the tunnel from 2 sides within 1 year and guarantee the joint accuracy of 5 meters.
Russians:
- Well... We also will dig the tunnel from 2 sides within two weeks and don't guarantee any joint accuracy. At worst you will have two tunnels.

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Tie for 3 thousand bucks

Two New Russians:
- Look, I bought a tie for 3 thousand bucks!
- Idiot, I saw the same tie for 5 thousand bucks round the corner!

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What do traffic police do when there is not much speeding violation on the road?

- What do traffic police do when there is not much speeding violation on the road?
- They run towards the cars for the speed-trap to display greater speed.

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Lost husband

A woman came to police:
- Please, help. My husband is lost. Here is his photo and special peculiarities... When you find him, tell him that my mother decided not to come!

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Speak in a roundabout way

Two friends meet in the street:
First: How are you?
Second: Fine.
First: How is your wife?
Second: Good.
First: How are your kids?
Second: Great.
First: Could you lend me 20 bucks?
Second: Kiss my neck.
First: Why?!
Second: You also started to speak in a roundabout way...

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Car park

New Russian in Swiss bank:
- Brothers, can you trust me 100 bucks for a year?
- With pleasure. 3% annual interest. You should leave something as a deposit.
- No problem. My Mercedes is at your parking. Here are the keys.
One year later.
- Brothers, here are 103 bucks, give me my car back.
- Sure. May we ask you why did you need 100 dollars?
- Where else can I find a secure car park for 3 bucks?!

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Scarecrow

- Have you heard what a scarecrow our neighbor set in his garden?
- No, what?
- It is so scary that the crows gave him his last year harvest back!

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Big love

Granny to granddaughter:
- Remember, there is only one big love in life!
- And who was your big love, granny?
- Sailors...

Have fun in Ukraine!