We are not deer!

A group of hunters meet an old hunter in the forest. They know that he is almost blind, so they start shouting:
- We are not deer! We are not deer!
The old hunter notices the hunters, takes aim at them and mumbles:
- Shut up, deer!

The first in the line

Doctor's round in the morning.
In the first ward.
Doctor: What's his diagnosis?
Nurse: Hemorrhoids.
Doctor: How do you treat this case of hemorrhoids?
Nurse: We paint his anus with iodine.
Doctor: Complaints?
Patient: No.
In the second ward.
Doctor: What's his diagnosis?
Nurse: Hemorrhoids.
Doctor: How do you treat this case of hemorrhoids?
Nurse: We paint his anus with iodine.
Doctor: Complaints?
Patient: No.
In the third ward.
Doctor: What's his diagnosis?
Nurse: Sore throat.
Doctor: How do you treat this case of sore throat?
Nurse: We paint his throat with iodine.
Doctor: Complaints?
Patient: Yes, can I be the first in the line for the iodine treatment?

Sleep like a baby

- I can not sleep well because of this global financial crisis!
- Well, I sleep like a baby!
- Really?
- Yes, I wake up each hour and cry!

Would you like to talk about it?

Two psychoanalysts are cycling. One of them has a bad fall. Bruises, scratches, broken arm... Another runs up to him and asks in a very sympathetic voice:
- How much does it hurt? Would you like to talk about it?

Why is our grandma running about the field

Son: Daddy, why is our grandma running about the field and shouting?
Father: For you she is grandma, while for me she is mother-in-law. Give me some more bullets to recharge the gun...

A drunk anaesthetist

The beginning of the operation. The anaesthetist leans over the patient to put an anesthetic mask. The patient smells the booze breath and exclaims:
- Doctor, you are drunk!
The anaesthetist gives the patient a tender slap in the face.
- Am I drunk? You should have seen the surgeon!

A diver works at the see bottom

A diver works at the see bottom. Suddenly he gets the order from the ship:
- Quickly go up!
- Why?
- Our ship is sinking!

Road-roller runs over a man

- Hallo! 911? A road-roller ran over a man!
- Ambulance will be there in 5 minutes. Please tell the address.
- Deribasovskaya str. 15, 16, 17...

Have fun in Ukraine!

Automatic razor

- I invented automatic razor. Put the head into it and in a second you are shaved.
- But it is impossible: each head is different in form!
- Only for the first time!!!

Have fun in Ukraine!

Through foul and fair

Wife is sitting near his dying husband.
- Masha, do you remember how I was fired and couldn't find a job for 3 years. You stayed with me then.
- Yes, darling, I remember.
- Masha, do you remember how I was drunk and got my car smashed up in an accident? You were visiting me in hospital for 5 years.
- Yes, honey, I remember.
- And now when I'm dying you are sitting here with me.
- (Crying) Yes, my treasure!
- Masha, I'm starting to believe YOU brings me bad luck...

Have fun in Ukraine!

Indigestion

Announcement in the cannibals' restaurant:
"Wash hands before eating. Eating dirty hands may cause indigestion!"

Have fun in Ukraine!

Reducing costs

New director of cemetery has a meeting with employees:
- We need to reduce costs. I want to hear your suggestions.
- We can bury the bodies in standing position to save on space.
- Good. What else?
- We can bury bodies up to the waist and paint them to save on gravestones.
- Very good. What else?
- If the bodies could hold hands we would save on the fence…

Have fun in Ukraine!

Keeping the promise

Ivan to Tsar:
- I did what I promised: here is the head of the dragon! Will you keep your promise?
Tsar to Ivan:
- Sure. Here is the heart and hand of princess.