Holding hands

- Rabinovich, I take off my hat to you! You and Sarah have been married for 30 years, but you always hold hands when I see you walking around the town.
- Well, if I lose my hold, she will surely buy something.

Is the fish fresh?

Old Jewish lady at the fish market.

- Is the fish fresh?

- Sure. Don't you see that it’s alive?!

- I’m alive too. So what?

The way back

- Rabinovich, you know that we move towards communism. Why do you need so much money?

- What about the way back?

Jewish Little Red Riding Hood

Jewish mother prepares the basket with cookies for Jewish Little Red Riding Hood and gives her the following instructions:

- When you come to granny, she will start complaining that the winter is just around the corner, the wind strikes through the cracks, the tap is leaking, there is a hole in the roof, there is no wood to burn in grade, she has no money at all… and so on and so forth. But you don’t listen to her and stick to your story: cookies with chocolate - $2, without chocolate – $1.

Just the opposite

Darling! – Wife grumbles, - I noticed that whenever you see a pretty woman, you forget that you are married!
Just the opposite, - Husband sighs, - Just the opposite.

Silver spoons

Rabinovich instructs his wife before the party:
- Don’t lay silver spoons on the table!
- Do you think the guests can steal them?
- No, I’m afraid they can recognize them!

The beauty of a debt is its payment

Two Jews are going along the dark alley. Suddenly robbers jump out of the corner and demand money. Nowhere to go... Jews take out their purses and one says to another:
- Moshe, do you remember that I owed you 200 dollars? So, I give them back before witnesses.

Chocolate

Jewish grandson asked his Jewish grandpa to buy him a chocolate. So next time when grandpa visited his grandson, the latter asked:
- Grandpa, where is my chocolate?
Grandpa thought for a second and answered:
- Sorry grandson, there were no chocolates in the shop, only lollipops.
Next time the situation repeated. Finally, when grandpa once again answered that there were only lollipops in the shop, grandson said:
- Ok. Buy me a lollipop then.
Grandpa thought for a second and said:
- Remember, grandson, while your grandpa is still alive, you will eat only chocolates.

Don't sell bread to little Jewish boys

Odessa. An ordinary Jewish family. Little son returns from the shop without bread and with tears in his eyes, saying that owner of the shop told him that they "don't sell bread to little Jewish boys".
Of course, the father gets mad and rushes into the shop, shouting:
- Why haven’t you sold bread to my son?! This is Antisemitism!!
An old Jew, the owner of the shop, raises his eyebrows and says:
- What's with all the noise? Have you tasted this yesterday's bread?!!!

Am I cold?

Jewish mother goes out to the balcony and cries to her son who is playing in the yard:
- David! Go home!
The son raises his head and cries:
- Am I cold?
- No. You want to eat!

Buy goat, sell goat

A Jew comes to Rabbi and starts complaining about his life:
- Rabbi, my life is so hard and I'm so tired. What should I do?
- Buy a goat.
- What? I have a wife and seven kids and we all live in a small apartment and there is no possibility to keep a goat there…
- Just follow my advise.
In a week the Jew comes to Rabbi again and starts complaining about his life even more:
- Rabbi, I followed your advice and now my life is much harder than before: the goat stinks and makes more noise than my wife and seven kids! What should I do?
- Sell the goat.

Jewish father role

A Jewish family. The son comes from school and tells his mother:
- Mother, I will take part in a school play! I will play a Jewish father.
- Go back to school and ask them to give you another role... the one that has lines.

How Rabinovich tried to rent an apartment

Rabinovich tries to rent an apartment, but as soon as owners find out that he has seven kids they say no. One time he tells his wife:
- Take four kids and go to the cemetery?
- Will that help?
- I hope so.
In the evening Rabinovich tells his wife that he managed to rent an apartment.
- Great. But how did you do it?
- I showed 3 kids and honestly informed the owner that actually I have seven kids but my bellowed wife and four adorable kids are on the cemetery.

Old age

An old Jew complains to doctor that he can hardly hear be his left ear. After examination the doctor says:
- There is nothing I can do. It's because of the old age.
- Why, is my left ear older than the right one?

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Rabbi in Soviet Union

Soviet Union period. There are three candidates to become a Rabbi in the Synagogue: the first knows Tora, but he is not a member of the Communist Party, the second doesn't know Tora, but he is a member of the Communist Party, the third knows Tora and is a member of the Communist Party, but he is a Jew.

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Newly married couple gift

- Rabinovich, how much money you put into the envelope you gave to this newly married couple?
- Does envelope cost nothing nowadays?!

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The second ticket

Rabinovich bought two lottery tickets and won 1 million dollars by one of them. When friends came to congratulate him they saw that he is very upset, so they ask:
- Rabinovich, you have won 1 million dollars! Why are you so frustrated?
- Well, I'm thinking: "Why have I bought the second lottery ticket?!"

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The Torah, the Bible and the Koran

An old Jew is dying.
- Rose, after I die, please, put the Torah, the Bible and the Koran.
- Why?
- To be on the safe side, Rose, to be on the safe side...

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The same problem

The war begins. The Jew is walking back and forth in anxiety:
- There is so much to do! I need to send the wife and kids to United States, sell my business, transfer the money to Switzerland, and after that I need to find a way to get to England myself…
The Russian, who stands nearby, says:
- I know what you mean... I have the same problems....
- Don't make me laugh! What are your problems!!!???? Take the rifle and go to the front!

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Pulling out wisdom tooth

Rabinovich: How much is to pull out wisdom tooth?
Dentist: 80 dollars
Rabinovich: Too expensive!
Dentist: Well, without narcosis it costs 60 dollars.
Rabinovich: Still too expensive!
Dentist: Well, without narcosis and with help of pliers it costs 40 dollars.
Rabinovich: What about 20 dollars?
Dentist: Well, medical student can pull out wisdom tooth without narcosis and with help of pliers for 20 dollars.
Rabinovich: Good, then my wife Sarah will come here on Wednesday morning.

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