Holding hands

- Rabinovich, I take off my hat to you! You and Sarah have been married for 30 years, but you always hold hands when I see you walking around the town.
- Well, if I lose my hold, she will surely buy something.

I want to go to Thailand

Two friends:
- Hi. How are you?
- Everything is fine. Just a bit frustrated. Yesterday had a quarrel with my wife.
- Why?
- We can’t agree where to spend the vacation. I want to go to Thailand... and she wants to go with me.

Through foul and fair

Wife is sitting near his dying husband.
- Masha, do you remember how I was fired and couldn't find a job for 3 years. You stayed with me then.
- Yes, darling, I remember.
- Masha, do you remember how I was drunk and got my car smashed up in an accident? You were visiting me in hospital for 5 years.
- Yes, honey, I remember.
- And now when I'm dying you are sitting here with me.
- (Crying) Yes, my treasure!
- Masha, I'm starting to believe YOU brings me bad luck...

Have fun in Ukraine!

I love you more...

- Darling, I feel that you love football more than me.
- Honey, but I love you more than hockey.

Have fun in Ukraine!

Thanks

Wife returns home from vacation.
- I was away for 6 weeks! And now when I come home, what do I see! You don't care! You have nothing to say! Don't you have at least one word for me after I was away for 6 weeks!
- Sure, I have…
- Which word?
- Thanks.

Have fun in Ukraine!

Lucky wife

Wife comes home in new shoes and says:
- I'm so lucky! When I was taking the rubbish out and found a new pair of shoes. I put them on and just imagine: they were exactly of my size!
Husband:
- Yes, you are lucky.
In a few days wife comes home in a new fur-coat and says:
- I'm so lucky. When I was returning home in the bus I found a new fur-coat. I put it on and just imagine: it was exactly of my size!
Husband:
Yes, you are lucky, while I am not. Just imagine: I found the trunks under our pillow but they are not of my size!

Bomb in the wardrobe

Husband returns home from business trip. When he opens the door, his wife, half-dressed, cries:
- Let's get out of here! Somebody has just called and said there is a bomb in our house.
- Wait a moment, honey. I will check if the bomb is not in our wardrobe!

Have fun in Ukraine!

How do you feed your husband?

- How do you feed your husband?
- Well, I give him the same food I cook for us.

Have fun in Ukraine!

Daddy, why did you marry mommy?

Son to father:
- Daddy, why did you marry mommy?
Husband to wife:
- You see, even our kid is surprised!

Have fun in Ukraine!

Ill-mannered son-in-law

Wife: Why are you so ill-mannered?! Since my mother lives with us, you don't pay attention to her at all. You could take her out from time to time...
Husband: No sense. She always finds the way home.

Have fun in Ukraine!

Dinner at home

When the wife doesn't look in his direction, the husband tries to put the meal from his plate to the dog's plate.
WIFE: You don't want to give your meal to the dog, do you?
HUSBAND: Of course not, darling, just to exchange.

Have fun in Ukraine!

Lucky bastard!

Husband comes home from work. Wife goes for him screaming:
- Why is there a lipstick on your head?!
- It's not a lipstick, honey, it's blood. Somebody hit my head with a stick and then robbed me.
- Lucky bastard!

Have fun in Ukraine!

How many rolls of wallpaper should I buy?

A family decided to hang new wallpaper, but they don't know how many rolls to buy. The wife suggested to ask the neighbors from the second floor because their apartments are of the same size and she knew they have hung new wallpaper recently. So, the husband goes to the neighbors:
HUSBAND: How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy?
NEIGHBOURS: 16 rolls
So the husband bought 16 rolls, hung them and it appeared that there were extra 6 rolls left. He goes to the neighbors again:
HUSBAND: What's wrong with you, guys?! There are 6 rolls left!
NEIGHBOURS: Yes, we had 6 rolls left as well.

Have fun in Ukraine!

I have nothing to wear

When a woman says she has nothing to wear, she means she has nothing NEW to put on. When a man says he has nothing to wear, he means he has nothing CLEAN to put on.

Have fun in Ukraine!

Lost husband

A woman came to police:
- Please, help. My husband is lost. Here is his photo and special peculiarities... When you find him, tell him that my mother decided not to come!

Have fun in Ukraine!

It was not for you

The phone is ringing. Wife comes up to lift the receiver. Husband says:
- Say, that I'm not at home.
Wife lifts the receiver:
- Yes. No. No, husband is at home...
Husband:
- I told you, that I'm not...
Wife:
- It was not for you...

Have fun in Ukraine!

No way

Knock at the door. The husband opens the door and sees his neighbor with a sheet of paper. The neighbor asks:
- Do you want to take part in a group sex?
- Well... who else takes part?
The neighbor looks at the list and says:
- Me, your wife and you.
- No way!
- Ok. Then I cross you out.

Have fun in Ukraine!

Moth

A husband suddenly returns home from business trip and finds his wife in the bedroom. Suddenly he hears a sound in the wardrobe. He asks his wife:
- What is it?
- It's a moth.
He opens the wardrobe and sees a naked man in his wife's fur coat. The man silently comes out of the wardrobe and goes towards the door. The husband asks him:
- Who are you?
- Moth.
- Where are you taking the fur coat?
- I will eat it at home.

Have fun in Ukraine!