Holding hands

- Rabinovich, I take off my hat to you! You and Sarah have been married for 30 years, but you always hold hands when I see you walking around the town.
- Well, if I lose my hold, she will surely buy something.

Chocolate

Jewish grandson asked his Jewish grandpa to buy him a chocolate. So next time when grandpa visited his grandson, the latter asked:
- Grandpa, where is my chocolate?
Grandpa thought for a second and answered:
- Sorry grandson, there were no chocolates in the shop, only lollipops.
Next time the situation repeated. Finally, when grandpa once again answered that there were only lollipops in the shop, grandson said:
- Ok. Buy me a lollipop then.
Grandpa thought for a second and said:
- Remember, grandson, while your grandpa is still alive, you will eat only chocolates.

Am I cold?

Jewish mother goes out to the balcony and cries to her son who is playing in the yard:
- David! Go home!
The son raises his head and cries:
- Am I cold?
- No. You want to eat!

I love you more...

- Darling, I feel that you love football more than me.
- Honey, but I love you more than hockey.

Have fun in Ukraine!

Thanks

Wife returns home from vacation.
- I was away for 6 weeks! And now when I come home, what do I see! You don't care! You have nothing to say! Don't you have at least one word for me after I was away for 6 weeks!
- Sure, I have…
- Which word?
- Thanks.

Have fun in Ukraine!

Lucky wife

Wife comes home in new shoes and says:
- I'm so lucky! When I was taking the rubbish out and found a new pair of shoes. I put them on and just imagine: they were exactly of my size!
Husband:
- Yes, you are lucky.
In a few days wife comes home in a new fur-coat and says:
- I'm so lucky. When I was returning home in the bus I found a new fur-coat. I put it on and just imagine: it was exactly of my size!
Husband:
Yes, you are lucky, while I am not. Just imagine: I found the trunks under our pillow but they are not of my size!

Bomb in the wardrobe

Husband returns home from business trip. When he opens the door, his wife, half-dressed, cries:
- Let's get out of here! Somebody has just called and said there is a bomb in our house.
- Wait a moment, honey. I will check if the bomb is not in our wardrobe!

Have fun in Ukraine!

How do you feed your husband?

- How do you feed your husband?
- Well, I give him the same food I cook for us.

Have fun in Ukraine!

Daddy, why did you marry mommy?

Son to father:
- Daddy, why did you marry mommy?
Husband to wife:
- You see, even our kid is surprised!

Have fun in Ukraine!

Dinner at home

When the wife doesn't look in his direction, the husband tries to put the meal from his plate to the dog's plate.
WIFE: You don't want to give your meal to the dog, do you?
HUSBAND: Of course not, darling, just to exchange.

Have fun in Ukraine!

Doing well at school

Father to son:
- If you do well at school, we will buy you a computer.
- What if I don’t?
- We will buy you a piano.

Have fun in Ukraine!

Lucky bastard!

Husband comes home from work. Wife goes for him screaming:
- Why is there a lipstick on your head?!
- It's not a lipstick, honey, it's blood. Somebody hit my head with a stick and then robbed me.
- Lucky bastard!

Have fun in Ukraine!

How many rolls of wallpaper should I buy?

A family decided to hang new wallpaper, but they don't know how many rolls to buy. The wife suggested to ask the neighbors from the second floor because their apartments are of the same size and she knew they have hung new wallpaper recently. So, the husband goes to the neighbors:
HUSBAND: How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy?
NEIGHBOURS: 16 rolls
So the husband bought 16 rolls, hung them and it appeared that there were extra 6 rolls left. He goes to the neighbors again:
HUSBAND: What's wrong with you, guys?! There are 6 rolls left!
NEIGHBOURS: Yes, we had 6 rolls left as well.

Have fun in Ukraine!

I have nothing to wear

When a woman says she has nothing to wear, she means she has nothing NEW to put on. When a man says he has nothing to wear, he means he has nothing CLEAN to put on.

Have fun in Ukraine!

It was not for you

The phone is ringing. Wife comes up to lift the receiver. Husband says:
- Say, that I'm not at home.
Wife lifts the receiver:
- Yes. No. No, husband is at home...
Husband:
- I told you, that I'm not...
Wife:
- It was not for you...

Have fun in Ukraine!

Father and son go fishing

Father and son go fishing.
- Son, give me some bread to feed up the fish.
- I've eaten it.
- Then give me some millet porridge
- I've eaten it too.
- Then eat up the worms and let's go home.

Question of mercy

Wife comes home from work and sees that the garbage is not taken off. She ask her husband:
- Darling, could you take the garbage off?
The husband sighs heavily:
- I have just set on the chair!
Wife asks mercifully:
- What did you do before?
Husband::
- Was lying on the sofa.

10 years without a fight

- Honey, can you believe that we have been married for 10 years already, and had no fight yet?!
- Yes, I can. You, miserable coward!

Birthday Gift

Wife in tears:
- I have been telling for three weeks that I don't need a gift, still you forgot about my birthday anyway.

Silence is golden

The husband comes home. The wife meets him at the door with a poster "I will not talk to you for 24 hours". The husband shrugs his shoulders and goes to watch TV. In a couple of minutes the wife stands in front of him with a poster "Do you know why?"