The first in the line

Doctor's round in the morning.
In the first ward.
Doctor: What's his diagnosis?
Nurse: Hemorrhoids.
Doctor: How do you treat this case of hemorrhoids?
Nurse: We paint his anus with iodine.
Doctor: Complaints?
Patient: No.
In the second ward.
Doctor: What's his diagnosis?
Nurse: Hemorrhoids.
Doctor: How do you treat this case of hemorrhoids?
Nurse: We paint his anus with iodine.
Doctor: Complaints?
Patient: No.
In the third ward.
Doctor: What's his diagnosis?
Nurse: Sore throat.
Doctor: How do you treat this case of sore throat?
Nurse: We paint his throat with iodine.
Doctor: Complaints?
Patient: Yes, can I be the first in the line for the iodine treatment?

Russian panacea

Doctor: This medicine is from insomnia, this one is from nervous break-down, and also take this one from depression.
Patient: Thank you very much, doctor, but do you have any other medicine besides vodka?

Would you like to talk about it?

Two psychoanalysts are cycling. One of them has a bad fall. Bruises, scratches, broken arm... Another runs up to him and asks in a very sympathetic voice:
- How much does it hurt? Would you like to talk about it?

Loss of eyesight

- Doctor, after getting married I have a loss of eyesight.
- What are the symptoms?
- I don’t see my money anymore.

A drunk anaesthetist

The beginning of the operation. The anaesthetist leans over the patient to put an anesthetic mask. The patient smells the booze breath and exclaims:
- Doctor, you are drunk!
The anaesthetist gives the patient a tender slap in the face.
- Am I drunk? You should have seen the surgeon!

Old age

An old Jew complains to doctor that he can hardly hear be his left ear. After examination the doctor says:
- There is nothing I can do. It's because of the old age.
- Why, is my left ear older than the right one?

Have fun in Ukraine!

Pulling out wisdom tooth

Rabinovich: How much is to pull out wisdom tooth?
Dentist: 80 dollars
Rabinovich: Too expensive!
Dentist: Well, without narcosis it costs 60 dollars.
Rabinovich: Still too expensive!
Dentist: Well, without narcosis and with help of pliers it costs 40 dollars.
Rabinovich: What about 20 dollars?
Dentist: Well, medical student can pull out wisdom tooth without narcosis and with help of pliers for 20 dollars.
Rabinovich: Good, then my wife Sarah will come here on Wednesday morning.

Have fun in Ukraine!

Sleeping pills

Nurse comes into the ward:
- Patient Ivanov, wake up... wake up...
Patient Ivanov wakes up:
- What?
- I brought you the sleeping pills...

Have fun in Ukraine!

Proctologist's hand got stuck in the patient

Proctologist's hand got stuck in the patient. They (proctologist and patient) hardly reach the traumatologist's consulting room:
Traumatologist (in indignation): It's a hospital! It's not the puppet show!

Have fun in Ukraine!

An old dog and mother-in-law

A call to a vet:
- My mother-in-law will come to you with an old dog. Please give an injection of the most powerful poison that saves from sufferings and leads to immediate death
- Ok, but will the dog find the way home?

Have fun in Ukraine!

Doctor, will I live?

Patient gives the doctor his sick-list and asks:
Doctor, will I live?
Doctor turns the first page:
- Sure...
Turns the next pages:
- Most likely..., probably..., hardly...

Have fun in Ukraine!

I'm lucky you are not eye doctor

Dentist: I'm sorry. It seems to me I pulled out your sound tooth.
Patient: I'm lucky you are not eye doctor!

Have fun in Ukraine!

Gynecologist and Pathologist

After a long hard working day Gynecologist and Pathologist go out of the hospital, look at the street and say:
Pathologist: People, alive people...
Gynecologist: And faces... faces!

Have fun in Ukraine!

Megalomania

Patient to psychiatrist:
- Doctor, I suffer from megalomania.
- What do you, miserable little man, know about megalomania?!

Have fun in Ukraine!

Good job

- Are you gynecologist?
- No, but I can take a look...